Why do i run?

 2008: First over of the AFL cup final match and my batting partner calls me for a quick single. We look into each other’s eyes and just nod our heads. As I run to the danger end my heart knows am not going to make it. As my mind pictures me getting run out, life enacts my thoughts perfectly. I am run out once again..... As I walked back to the dressing room in frustration, I got memories of me never being a good runner in school. School, college, dating, job interviews I always felt I just wasn’t making it. Life was ‘running me out’ on numerous occasions. To the outside world these missed opportunities dint seem to matter much and looked trivial. 

To me they mattered a lot. I was an amazing sportsman and I loved sports but I just couldn’t run as well. Seemed like I wanted to play every sport but dint wanna run...irony of its sorts. So was the same in life. I wanted to live life well and I wanted to be at the right time and right place in life doing the right things. But I wasn’t running hard in life too. Every wasted opportunity in life felt like walking back to the crease run out once again. 

But in January 2009, I ran the 21 kms Mumbai marathon in 2.38 hrs and since then I have been running 

It all started with a trivial office joke. My office colleagues were making fun of me getting running out in every single cricket match and how I would run in slow motion during the Mumbai marathon if I took part in it. What should have been just ignored as a stupid joke was taken up too seriously by me. I decided I had to run and prove a point!! What the heck, people who had never played any sport in their life wanted to tease the hell out of me. 

For months I practised hard and ran well. Rain, heat & cold I ran every single day across marine drive. Sometimes just jogged alone at marine drive while it poured heavily. With all the practise, the marathon wasn’t a difficult one for me.  I ran well and finished well within the time to silence my colleagues. 

What next? Why did I still wanna run? I had proved my point. Now why did I want to run? Why wake up at 6 am and run? Which fool does that? And I wasn’t even a good runner? Why the fuck did I have to run?? I just couldn’t stop now and I dint know the reason…

Like Master Oogway says “One often meets his destiny on the road he avoids to take”  At the age of 30, I had allowed all my passions to drift away. One after the other they left me like old buddies. Each time something felt good in life it just vanished very quickly. But as my old buddies left me, I was embracing a very old enemy.  

As I ran everyday out of mere habit, I realised that my old enemy and my now my new friend was taking me to a place I loved. I called this secret place of ours ‘THE ZONE’. I loved visiting this new place. Every sportsman whether an amateur like me or pro can tell you what ‘The Zone’ is. ‘The Zone’ is a feeling when everything around the sportsman stops. Time stands still. The sportsman can’t listen to the crowd. All he can see is the ball being hurled at him and he just wants to hit the ball to the best of his ability. Then there is no winning or loosing. No completion or its prize money. No past No future. No records and no statistics. And even though you don’t care about wining or loosing, when you are in the zone records are built, centuries are made and grand slams are won. 

You get a feeling that this is it. You wanna stand and tell everyone I have been there. This is The Zone, this is where I am meant to be. I don’t want anything else. I am in The Zone and before you can even witness it yourself it’s gone. And you don’t know when it is coming back. 

If you look or search for it, it evades you like a butterfly. But if you just don’t chase it visits you sometimes and stays with you for a brief moment. So do I run to go to this happy place called Zone. Nahhh!! It just comes and goes. I can’t chase it. I am led there by someone…

So I ask myself once again why do I run?   I run for various reasons and most of them are revealed to me only in the morning when I start taking a few steps.

I run sometimes out of love for family and friends wishing them great things, sometime out anger of all the people who rejected me and sometimes out of fear about what’s going to happen next to me in life. Many times I am in office and frustrated and I just wanna put my sneakers on and run cause I wanna run away from life… Run away to a friend, to GOD to someone who can help…I just wanna run away from everything…

As Jackie Chan says in the movie Karate Kid “When life knocks you down. You can choose whether to get back up”. When I feel like running away from the world ‘Running’ stops me from running away. 

I run silently with myself hearing only my breath around me. I can’t feel anything else, not even my thoughts. And as I run my friend starts to cheer me up. Slowly, I feel I can outrun even the wind. I can just keep running and I need no purpose to run. I just wanna run cause I am on a song. I am the artist and I am the song itself. It’s all flowing through me to me. I take the perfect steps while running and see my self as an athlete.

All the fears disappear and my mind is crystal clear. Its as if someone has just removed all the filth and dirt. I feel that my pursuit for happiness has just ended!! 

And yet the pursuit begins all over again when I get back to my day to day life. Life throws back something once again..

The movie, Kung fu Panda 2, tells us that to find Inner Peace, one can meditate for 50 years up a beautiful mountain with waterfalls and caves (being one with nature)... or chance upon that realisation by being still in the mind through something you love ( in Po’s case its kung fu). Po discovers that one needs to go with the flow of life and let the emotions flow through him

To be still I need to run!!!!!! Running has become my source of insight. I need to move through time and distance to remain still!! Running helps me go with the flow of life and accept things peacefully.

As I chance upon this realisation I run while listening to my favourite song ‘I get knocked down but I get up again’.  It’s when the hero of my little story feels he can go any distance....and he wont be RUN OUT..

Its Raining Love...

When i woke up today morning, i saw the rains pouring down. I was a bit angry at the rain gods. Why does it have to pour only when i go for a jog? Why does life deny you the small pleasure of running without any disturbances early in the morning. All i wanted was some nice music and an easy jog with some pleasant weather for a change.

With this bit of anger in my mind i reluctantly walked towards the park hoping the rain would stop. As i reached the park i was getting irritated that it was raining all over. i dint even have my mp3 player for the fear of it getting wet. It was as if nature was telling me that u run in the summer & winter. Now lets see if u can survive the rains..I was being mocked by nature today and it felt as if it was saying go ahead run in the rains and look stupid....Run alone in the park in the stupid rains..Someone was mocking my very idea of running today

So instead of starting with my usual light warm up walk i started running. I thought to myself lets see who stops first, the rains or my run. I will run until the rains stop or rather until nature gives into me.

As i ran, the rains poured even harder and faster. The wind blew away trees and branches and i was getting angrier and i started running faster. The rain drops splashed on my body hard. I was slipping sometimes and wasnt getting a grip...Fuck what the hell i said...u bastard...

It was NATURE vs. ME...My Ego vs. natures fury and power. My desire to train and natures desire to just pour that day..

And then the most amazing thing happened.. i realised that i wasnt running faster or harder not because of anger or fury but because of these very rains...I was actually enjoying the rain falling on me. What was happening to me..Why was i loving the feeling of running in the rains...And sometimes a sense of realization hits u. Something so simple and obvious had eluded me...

I felt as if the universe was thanking me for my very existence and was giving out tears of joy all over me...the ones u get when you hug somone u really love...Nature was telling me that i love u so much and was wrapping me with the wind and rains all over my body..It was as if the universe said i want u to run dear but i also wanna wrap u with something physical so that u can understand my love for u through a physical action or experience.

With this realisation the battle ended and the first drop of tear rolled down my eyes merging with the rain water....i could feel my ego dilute into something sublime, as if the rain water had washed it all all away...i felt as powerful as the winds and as the rains..As if the God / Universe was saying to me thank u...for without your existence how would I ever get to experience the emotion of loving u..

Its through this very separation we discovered love for each other..and yet we both wanted to merge into one...For one last time the rains splashed on me hard and the wind blew all over me and then it all stopped as if nothing happened.

I was just left speechless with this experience...How do i describe and to whom do i tell...smile and tears both together all at once..All of it happened in one moment, all of it was already happening, and all of it will happen....Past, present and future had come together...

I dint end counting how much i ran today but i guess i ran 5 kms in 30 mins....It dint matter how much i ran today or in how much time...Next one my mind was WHY DO I RUN???

I have no competition...

The best part about running is that u realise that u have no competition...its only u versus u or u with u or without u or for u. I see my shadow while running. Sometime thick, sometimes big, sometimes small and when it rains even your shadow refuses to give u company....U look down and u find nothing...Just water beneath your feet splashing all over.

When u run, u have no competition and u only move through time and space to the rhythm of your heartbeats...sometimes in tune and sometimes out of tune..sometimes u feel the whole universe wants u to run and sometimes all of it stops u. But it stops u so that u enjoy the run even more..The wind just blows on your face challenging u..

u have no competition while running..except some animals who try their best to run with u and then either they let u go or u  have to let them go. And when u run past people who are walking slowly u only realise that u are being propelled through time and space faster than anyone else.  And as u run, u slowly go within your own self and come to realise that the same is with life. You are always propelled by life around people in time and space. Each walks or runs at their own pace through life...and we all are just one big running walking family.

I have no friend no enemy nor any competiton. All i can feel is myself running now and becoming a part of the running walking family...As i run slowly i realise i am part of the ALL...part of the magnificent ONE...